


push pull

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:11:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: The universe knows that Kwon Soonyoung only wants to remain by Xu Minghao's side, so it grants him this.





	push pull

**Author's Note:**

> hi... i'm so shy about posting this but i've... been working on this since feb.  
> uh i didn't mean for it to get to 10k let alone 20k
> 
> pls accept this... but also! i made an ig to go w it?? it's not great but it was fun  
> and it kept me writing so here it is: https://www.instagram.com/soonhaoed/
> 
> the hyperlinks are supposed to lead to the ig and pictures that represent certain parts.  
> some of them are really clear and others aren't linked but are still part of it. pls enjoy!!!

Xu Minghao moves across the street from Kwon Soonyoung when [he is eleven years old](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXCW58Fzk8/?taken-by=soonhaoed).

Soonyoung finds out quickly from his chatterbird parents that their new neighbors are from China  _ and  _ they have a boy around his age. The news both excites him and makes him  _ incredibly  _ anxious. He knows some Chinese (and  _ not to boastful _ , but he also knows some Japanese and is fluent in Korean and English), so he isn’t worried about a language barrier but there is some kind of unknown anxiety gnawing at his insides. It all has to do with the new boy that will live across the street. He figures that it must have something to do with him knowing what it is like to be the foreign new kid. Before him, Soonyoung had been the shiny new kid in the neighborhood, he knows the true weight of that title, how heavy it can end up being. As much as he’d like to admit that he’s relieved to no longer have it resting on his shoulders, he can’t help but to fixate on how small his new neighbor’s shoulders are. He wonders if he’ll have trouble carrying the (metaphorical) weight of it all. Kids could be unkind, but Soonyoung didn’t want to leave this boy in the same position he had been in. That’s why he decides right then that he won’t. 

He’ll be his friend.

He sees him for the first time when his family is moving boxes into their new house. It’s been repainted during its vacancy so now it is a shade of baby blue instead of bright magenta that the old neighbors loved but his parents (and most who drove past) hated. Soonyoung asks his parents if he can go out and help, introduce himself maybe, or take them something complimentary and polite as he’s seen in movies. The only problem that arises is that he’s yet to finish his homework. Plus, by the time he’s done with his homework, dinner will be almost ready. So, instead of helping that boy and making sure he knows that he has a friend he can come to already, he watches them from his bedroom window, pretending to have minimal interest in his homework. 

From his perch, he notices that the boy doesn’t help out much. Instead, he just chews on his sweater paws (which Soonyoung thinks is sort of gross: they have to be getting all wet probably and if a thread ends up snagging on a tooth then it could possibly ruin his whole sweater) and watches as his parents do all the lifting and carrying. 

When he first meets him, his hair is dark brown. It reminds him of a nest because it sticks up at weird angles and is so full of volume. It looks unbrushed, but still soft to the touch, unmatted. Soonyoung’s own brown hair seems thin in comparison, boring almost. Curiously, Soonyoung, as he brushes his fingers through his own hair unconsciously, wonders how that boy is able to get his hair to look so soft (and he categorizes this question into the file in his brain that is appropriately titled “Things to Ask Minghao When the Time is Right”). 

Their first meeting goes as follows. 

On a whim, Soonyoung throws his window open and hangs his upper body over the edge precariously. He’s never dropped down from the second story, but he imagines that it wouldn’t be quite that difficult if he tried. There’s a lot that would cushion his fall,  _ if  _ he doesn’t nail the landing (which he totally would). Even so, he’s not as brave as he is in the scenarios that play out in his mind, so he just pulls his body back in and kicks his legs out so he can seat himself on the windowsill instead. It makes him feel brave, or at least braver than watching the boy from behind the glass of his bedroom window. He feels even braver when he raises his voice to yell towards the boy that has captured his attention. No matter what his parents have to say about finishing homework first, he’s going to get to know this boy’s name. He can’t help it that his parents value that over friendship. 

“Hey... !” He calls out, but gets no response. The boy must not think he’s on the receiving end of his voice. “Hey!” He yells again, louder, flailing his arms over his head until the boy lifts his gaze from the ground to the comical sight of some child dangling dangerously out of a windowsill. Well, Soonyoung thinks that it must look comical, at least (and also  _ incredibly stupid  _ and also a little scary), but when he finally notices that Soonyoung is yelling to him, Soonyoung feels accomplished. He beams at him like he’s just won first place in a dance competition. It has to be dazzling: it’ll land him a good first impression. “Hello there! I’m Soonyoung!” He introduces himself with his hands cupped around his mouth to amplify his voice.

From this height, Soonyoung can’t make out the boy’s expression as much as he hoped that he’d be able to, so he misses the look of complete bewilderment that flickers across his face. The boy thinks that this looks scripted, like it has come straight out of some American movie that he’s never seen before, but he’s heard about through the media. He stands there for a silent moment, taking in the fact that someone’s reaching out to him with their boisterous voice. A car drives by and breaks the awkward silence up, and then the strangest thing happens. The boy across the street starts yelling at him in Chinese. None of the phrases that he’s calling out are pronounced quite properly, but they make sense. The boy definitely hears him say hello again, but after that, everything sounds like gibberish, or whatever the boy can think of from the top of his head. He has to restrict a giggle that bubbles up in his throat. 

“Minghao..!” He calls, unafraid. It challenges Soonyoung’s first impression of him, made by the fact his frame is so tiny. “My name is Xu Minghao!”

Soonyoung brights up considerably (as though that’s possible and Minghao posits that one in “Soonyoung Seems to be Made of Sunlight?” which is an ever-expanding file of proof for Soonyoung being an alien entity that came straight from the core of the sun or that is made entirely of sunlight) and is just about to lean further out of the window (which is impossibly foolish of him to even  _ try  _ unless he wants to end up with a concussion) when his mother catches the back of his shirt and pulls him back into the house for dinner. Minghao can hear her scolding Soonyoung from the open window and he watches it until she shuts it behind them, drawing the curtains as well. 

That’s how it all starts.

 

Over the weekend they have no chance to talk any further because Soonyoung’s parents are upset with him for being so risky and unthinking. However, as soon as Monday comes along, Soonyoung is bounding across the street to walk Minghao to school. If they go to the same school, then it is only five blocks away from them. The bus is almost rendered useless except for the children too young to walk themselves to school because there are always so many students walking to school from their houses. Soonyoung thinks about knocking his door, but doesn’t know how Minghao’s parents will receive him. In the end, he just stays at the edge of their driveway, waiting. 

Minghao comes out with his hair all mussed just as it was on Friday afternoon. It is then that Soonyoung decides that he’ll introduce Minghao to all of his friends because this is a boy that he’ll want to keep close to him. He had been the new kid once upon a time, but that didn’t mean that it had been impossible to make friends. But he does know that it’ll be hard for Minghao to walk in and not know where to sit in his classes or have to sit alone at lunch. It takes time to make friends and making those friends becomes an obsession. Friends, in school, are a layer of protection against the harsh drama and other problems that arise during teenage years. He doesn’t even know if they are in the same grade, but not all his friends are in the same grade as him anyway. 

Surprised, Minghao stops halfway across his driveway. “Soonyoung?” He inclines his head, then pulls the sleeves of his sweater down to cover his hands. The bravery that he had showcased when he called out of him is absent from him currently. It confused Soonyoung, but he thinks that he gets it. He must be anxious about starting over in a new school. Soonyoung hopes that he can alleviate some of that anxiety by promising him a place beside him. 

“Good morning!” Soonyoung waves to him. “I thought we could walk to school together…!” 

His mouth stays agape, eyes shimmering with something that Soonyoung can’t be sure of, but he thinks it might be gratitude. Finally, Minghao nods. “I’d like that,” he says, continuing down the path to join Soonyoung. Both begin their journey to school: for Soonyoung, this is just another day, but for Minghao, it is a new chapter in his life. “Do you have a bike? Tomorrow we could ride there, it’d be faster and I have a chain.” It shocks Soonyoung to hear him talking so freely after he had just seemed so shy, but he’s far from complaining. 

“Yeah! We could do that!” He might be too enthusiastic, but he wants Minghao to understand that he’s not doing this because he pities him, even if that is a minor part of it. The main reason he’s doing this is because he wants him to be his friend. More specifically, he wants Xu Minghao to be his best friend from which he is inseparable. He’s never had a friend like that before and he might not know that much about him yet, but he’s going to learn it all. “Do you mind if we meet up with one of my friends on our way? I’m sure they’d love to meet you.” Soonyoung asks.

In response, he nods. It gives Soonyoung even more courage in their interactions. If he can bring Minghao into his social circle, then he’ll be sure to ensnare him. They’ll have to be friends then because Soonyoung’s friends are his friends and Soonyoung lives across from him, waved at him from his windowsill, literally risked his neck for him. It’s not too much for Soonyoung to ask the universe. All he wants is a friend that will be all his. Not that he wants to control him or to be greedy, but he wants to have the kind of relationship that others read about or watch happening in movies. He wants the kind of friendship that lasts for decades. He wants the kind of friendship that all his friends already have. It isn’t too much to ask the universe. All he wants is to stop being a second choice. 

They walk the next couple of blocks without saying much. Soonyoung does ask him what his favorite subject is (“Philosophy?” Minghao says and wrinkles his nose up at his own answer, oddly mature of an answer for an eleven year old.), his favorite color (“I like all kinds of colors, but pastel colors are nice and mellow. Think… pink, yellow, blue.” His voice is soft with this answer like he’s thought about it for awhile.  _ Like baby blankets!  _ Soonyoung wants to say, but doesn’t. He doesn’t know how normal it is for him to relate those colors to blankets for newborns.), and if he’s lived anywhere else (He looks away towards the houses before answering. “South Korea, but not for very long. I haven’t been anywhere else though.” Minghao answers with a shrug.). Before Soonyoung can ask why he lived in South Korea, Seokmin rushes up to them. 

“Jihoon is upset at you, Kwon Soonyoung.” He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, then turns to shoot a gleaming smile at Minghao. “Hello! I’m Lee Seokmin. You must be Soonyoung’s new neighbor!” He holds out his hand to shake his hand, but it takes a couple of seconds for Minghao to accept it and introduce himself. 

Soonyoung waits for their introductions to be exchanged before he’s demanding to know why Jihoon’s angry with him. “I did all my homework and all the group work for our project, so he can’t be upset with me.” He frowns deeply, holding his hands out to Seokmin in desperation. “I honestly can’t think of one thing I did this weekend that could have upset him! Jihoon told me to do all my work… and that’s exactly what I did!” He stomps his foot to punctuate his frustration. Being on the receiving end of Jihoon’s volatile emotions was never good. 

“That rumor that he can’t ride a bike got around,” Seokmin pouts. “I’m just the messenger, Soonnie. I heard from a reputable source that he knows that you started the rumor and so I’m letting you know that he’s upset at you.” 

“You spread rumors?” Minghao raises an eyebrow in disbelief. Maybe he’s skeptical of him now. That’ll really ruin his chances of being life-long best friends with him. He scrunches his nose up and pouts, grabbing onto the straps of his backpack.

Quickly, he shakes his head. “No, I don’t. It was a joke because Jihoon said he didn’t want to bike… so I said ‘ _ What? You can’t ride? _ ’ and Seokmin probably told someone who told someone because that’s how it has to happen, doesn’t it?” He doesn’t get angry about this. No, Kwon Soonyoung doesn’t get angry about anything anymore because he’s a calm, kind-hearted boy who is going to impress Minghao with how responsible he is. “I’ll be sure to clear it up.” 

Seokmin turns to look at Minghao. “He doesn’t usually spread any rumors, but he’s a little bit of a loudmouth. If he gives you trouble, then he’s ticklish, so keep that information close to you.” He delivers the news with a wink, then takes off running as fast as his legs will carry him. 

“Hey!” Soonyoung almost takes off after him, but then he remembers the boy walking beside him. So, instead, he just shakes his head. “How immature, right?” He looks towards Minghao to gauge his response to him. He’s looking at him with a mixture of humor and bewilderment, like he can’t believe that Soonyoung would say something like that about his friend. Maybe he’s not getting off on the right foot with Minghao, but what could he be doing wrong?

Without answering him, Minghao just shakes his head and takes off after Seokmin, and Soonyoung is left trying to catch up with them. 

 

After school is when Minghao gets the chance to meet Soonyoung’s other friends.”We’re all meeting up at the library.” Soonyoung lets Minghao know. For some reason, Minghao had waited for Soonyoung when Soonyoung had been sure that Minghao would just leave for home without him. “I can walk with you if you need to ask your parents if that’s okay, I understand that, but you can also use my cell phone.” He offers. Minghao probably has a cell phone because  _ who doesn’t?  _ But Soonyoung feels like it is better to ask then to just leave him staring at him. 

“Would it be okay if I just showed up there?” Minghao seems unsure about the invitation, but that just acts as a challenge for Soonyoung to be more convincing. His goal is to make sure all his friends know how Minghao is, but if he can introduce him to them, then he’ll truly feel accomplished. Because they are a grade apart, he didn’t have much time during the school day to introduce him, but if they are both free now, then he can make sure that Minghao knows he has plenty of people willing to look out for him. It’ll make him less of the new kid this way. 

Soonyoung nods furiously, tugging on Minghao’s arm. “It’ll be great!” 

So, Minghao calls his mother with his own cell phone to get permission before they set off for the library. Soonyoung knows that he doesn’t seem like someone who hangs out at the library, but it is his ideal hangout spot during hot summers. It might be dusty, but it has air conditioning and no one has to pay to be there. During the school year though, it acts as incentive to do homework while hanging out and it is the only type of interaction with his friends that his parents will let him have since it seems like a study circle to them. 

It turns out better than expected, Minghao meeting his friends. He falls in quickly with Joshua, who is the only person other than Minghao that has a library card. The rest of them are friendly and welcome him in with open arms while they are sprawled on the couches and chairs nestled by the vending machines. It’s convenient, sitting there, because no one has to trek far for a treat or the bathroom. Even so, three couches and two chairs don’t really support eleven boys, so some of them spill off the couch, seated on the floor, seemingly unperturbed by the new addition to the group. It’s like there isn’t a new addition to the group… he has just always been there. 

Some of them play handheld games while others play board games, but Minghao doesn’t seem interested to jump in anywhere. He just listens as Soonyoung recites their names, memorizing which name goes with which face. One of them returns Minghao’s quiet greeting with fluent Chinese and his whole face lights up. Soonyoung should have realized it earlier… Junhui is his key for the seamless acceptance of Minghao into their social circle. It gives Minghao a sort of camouflage because it makes it look like he’s always fit in. For the first time since he’s arrived to America, he’s depended on and it makes him happier than Soonyoung has seen him yet. It is the first time that he separates from Soonyoung’s side and the older boy doesn’t know how to feel about the absence. He doesn’t have to think long about it before Seokmin is vying for his attention, pulling him onto the floor. “Does this look infected?” He asks, pointing to a scrape on his knee that he must have gotten after lunch. 

It definitely looks infected, but Soonyoung’s gaze drifts when Minghao laughs freely. The noise startles him so badly that he fumbles over his response, then excuses himself to the bathroom. For some reason, his cheeks start to burn.

 

Minghao grows too tall too quickly for Soonyoung. He’s like a shoot of bamboo or a sprouting sapling. When they walked to school together for the first time, Soonyoung had noticed that Minghao was slimmer than him, but he was taller and he prided himself on those couple extra inches. His other friends like Mingyu and Wonwoo and Junhui are all taller than him. They had grown so fast, leaving Soonyoung behind to grow in small increments. It was like his body refused the addition of height because he could put on weight, but never could he grow vertically. If he did, then it took weeks or months for him to even notice the change. Minghao, however, seems to have limbs that are always reaching towards the sky. They can’t reach the sun or the stars or the moon yet, but Soonyoung is sure that one day they will. His hands are small, slender, but his fingers are long. Soonyoung knows that when they put their palms together, they are the exact opposite of his wide palms and stout, short fingers. He hopes that Minghao doesn’t spend too much more of his adolescence growing because if he does, then he’ll grow to be taller than him (which will  _ really  _ hurt Soonyoung’s pride in a really ridiculously silly way). The way they are now, Soonyoung thinks, is perfect. Both of them have measured it out desperately and they are exactly the same height. Not down to the same millimeter, but it is so close. 

At this height, Minghao is comfortable. He’s not like Mingyu who Minghao learns to both loathe and love in equal parts (in private, Minghao deems hims a book moocher because he doesn’t have a library card, but he always uses his or Joshua’s to check out books, then always returns them overdue). Mingyu’s already a tree: sturdy and strong and so, so tall. He’s younger than Soonyoung, but still had grown so much faster than him or any of their friends. Soonyoung prefers the tiny, wiry frame that makes Minghao up. It doesn’t seem like it could swallow him when they hug. Minghao’s frame is lithe and it coils around him carefully whenever they are together, even though, usually, Minghao is detached in the physical sense. He doesn’t seem to enjoy hugging, cuddling, or any casual displays of affection much. Still, Soonyoung waits for him to initiate some type of contact on a daily basis. He doesn’t want to annoy him, but he also wants to be clinging to him like he can be with Seokmin and Wonwoo and Seungkwan.

For some reason, it is rather injurious to him whenever Minghao doesn’t reciprocate his affections. 

They’ve known each other for almost a year yet, but there is still so much for Soonyoung to find out about Minghao. He realizes this when he walks into his practice room, bag draped over his shoulder, and finds Minghao practicing dance steps. His feet are moving fast, but as soon as the door opens, he freezes in his spot. Shyly, he pushes his fringe back (his mousy hair has only gotten longer so he is constantly pushing it out of his eyes) and turns to meet Soonyoung’s curious gaze. This is the dance studio that Soonyoung has been taking classes at for years now. It’s affordable, mostly because it only runs once a week, so his parents allow him to go. 

Minghao seems to have already been here for awhile. Neither of them had ever mentioned dance to one another, but here they are now. Soonyoung knows the mixed feelings that people always gave him when he announced that he dreams of becoming a dancer (especially his parents, since his doctor had suggested that since he had too much unused energy, he should be enrolled in some type of sport, but he had been too prone to anger for baseball or basketball, so he found himself being drawn to dance). The presence of Minghao here makes Soonyoung wonder about his relationship with dancing. Does he want to be a dancer in the future? Is this just a hobby for him?

His voice is small as he drops his bag to the side of the door. “Minghao?” Another kid enters behind him, looking at them invasively. It makes Soonyoung want to knock him upside the head for not minding his own business, but he knows better than to jeopardize the opportunity to dance. So, he founds out that even with his short fingers, he can still grasp around Minghao’s wrist with his forefinger meeting his thumb. It’s jarring information, so very important to his adolescent mind that he files it away in the “Things about Minghao That I’m Sure of” folder in his brain. It’s so silly that he wants to retain such simple information, but learning everything about him only becomes so much more important to him with every passing day. It may even grow to be integral at this point. Even though they’ve only known each other for months, it feels so much longer, especially when he discovers that he’s also a dancer. It makes Soonyoung feel like fate might be real. 

With the new information in his head, he pulls Minghao out into the hallway. 

“Soonyoung…?” He asks quietly, but his feet are following him into the hallway. Neither of them understand it, but both feel the pull of  _ privacy _ in their core. They are sharing a moment that feels so much heavier than it should be. It feels as though the pressure of gravity has increased all of a sudden and both are too young to understand the science behind it. Absentmindedly, when he says his name in that questioning way, Soonyoung realizes how nice Minghao’s voice sounds. It lilts in a soft, good way and makes Soonyoung smile whenever he thinks about it. His English is still broken when he speaks in complex, new topics, but he latches quickly onto the pronunciation of new words, so much so that he barely needs Soonyoung’s help anymore. Since he has moved in across the street, Soonyoung has hoped that even if he learns every single word that the English language has to offer him, his voice will still lilt in the soft, good way that it does. “Is something wrong?” He asks, inclining his head to the side in askance.

In response, Soonyoung shakes his head vigorously. “I just… I never expected to find you here.” 

“Yeah..?” Minghao softens into a smile now that he knows that Soonyoung isn’t upset at him. “I took lessons in China, so when my parents, when we finished moving into this place, they decided to let me start taking lessons again.” His smile only grows as he’s talking, mouth moving around the words deftly. Not that Soonyoung is watching his lips, but they seem to be a good balance of full and pouty. They are the kind of lips that girls want to have, the kind that boys want to kiss. It isn’t only his lips that Soonyoung is focused on. His words are exact when said, like he’s been thinking about how to deliver them since he’s been taught them. It is the exact opposite of how Soonyoung learns languages. Minghao spends time savoring how they feel on their tongue as though he’s enjoying a glass of wine while Soonyoung avoiding leaving them in his mouth for too long. He needed room for seconds and thirds while Minghao wanted to memorize the feel of them. He speaks carefully, but quickly. It’s endearing to Soonyoung’s ears. 

“I’m glad,” Soonyoung licks his lips, eyes flitting towards people filling into the class. The instructor hasn’t entered yet, so he’s not in much of a hurry, even though he needs to stretch. “I haven’t… My friends don’t really care about dancing that much. I do it alone a lot.” He admits. “I love it though. I want to do it forever.”  _ I want to share it with someone _ , he wants to say, but thinks that it might be too awkward to say aloud. Minghao laughs, a light noise that doesn’t last long. He’s never seen Minghao lose the cool composure he’s usually wearing, except when he’s excited. He wonders if he’s excited now. He wonders what it would be like to see him angry or sad or doubled over in uncontrollable laughter. He wonders if it is hard for Minghao to express himself when he’s always surrounded by so many strangers. “I’m glad to have a friend to do it with now.”  

Startling him, Minghao reaches up to ruffle Soonyoung’s hair and smiles so sickeningly soft that Soonyoung feels his stomach bottom out. “Me too,” he says, then turns to return to the practice room. 

 

They spend a great deal of dance practices together after that, but Soonyoung doesn’t get a chance to watch Minghao dance alone until much later. Now, [his hair is dark, murky blue](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaWrv8eFwXp/?taken-by=soonhaoed) and he can’t help but to compare him to water as he watches him dance. He’s so visceral. His moves flow from one into the next seamlessly as though the movements are a genuine part of his body-in-motion. It is like his movements aren’t abstract concepts with nonsensical meanings. When he’s not breakdancing, then he’s crashing like a wave, body rolling to the beat until he is just another part of the music, so inseparable that he’s a new note on the scale. There’s something about his dancing that puts a fire in Soonyoung’s chest. It feels like passion. It makes him want to get up and dance alongside him, but he’s earth where Minghao is water. His movements are all concrete and obtuse, and water erodes the earth so he knows that he could only be the shoreline that Minghao washes over time and time again. 

He wants to match him, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to keep up. 

Minghao ends his dance with hands raised to the ceiling, fingers fanned out as they reach towards the unattainable.

It feels improper to clap since they are the only two in the practice room, so Soonyoung just soaks in awe. “You were amazing,” he thinks that he sounds breathless which honestly might be the truth. “That was… I never watched you in class so I didn’t know how good you were but… you are  _ brilliant _ .” Watching Minghao is like drowning. At the age of fifteen, he thinks that makes sense as a comparison. He’s watched Minghao dance before through reflections and the corners of his eyes, so he knows how watching Minghao always makes him feel. Whenever Minghao moves in that mystical way, Soonyoung forgets how to breathe. He’s pulled under by Minghao and sinks into his core. It’s like Minghao is holding him underwater effortlessly. 

Minghao’s struggling to breathe, sweat on his brow and dripping down the side of his face. His hands rest on his knobbly knees. He’s grown only a little more in the years they’ve spent together. If anything, he still looks like a sapling to Soonyoung. He doesn’t have any of the muscle that Mingyu has, so Soonyoung has to wonder how he’ll survive the winter with no trunk to withstand the cold. It’s coming upon them quickly and Soonyoung doesn’t want him to catch cold. He supposes that since he’s earth, he’ll have to let Minghao take roots down in him, then he’ll be able to give him the strength to grow properly (or at the very least, he will make sure that he’s not destroyed because Soonyoung will keep him upright). 

“Thanks,” he finally manages, standing back up at full height. “It took awhile to come up with that.” 

Of course, he choreographed that himself. Soonyoung chest only feels warmer and it isn’t an unpleasant feeling. “That only makes it even more amazing, Hao.” He says as if he’s reminding him of his own worth. Minghao has a tendency to put himself down in a way that Soonyoung picks up on too easily. In the first years that he moved here, it had been blatant and awkward, but now he does it quietly. It’s like all the positivity that he’s constantly giving to others is spent up by the time he looks at himself. He just minimizes all of his accomplishments until they no longer mean anything to him in the grand scheme of things. Soonyoung doesn’t think he’s trying to make himself seem unimportant, but he might be trying to seem unimpressive. There’s always something to strive for and Soonyoung can empathize with that. After one accomplishment, there is just more work to do to avoid future failure. Where that inspires Soonyoung, it seems to depress Minghao. 

Minghao shrugs. “Sure,” he combs out the tangles in his fringe with his fingers. “I guess you are up now, right?” He moves to replace Soonyoung on the floor, pushing himself back up against the mirrored wall. “I’ve been looking forward to watching something that you’ve choreographed… You always put so much into it… so much time…” He admits shyly which makes Soonyoung feel like he might start hyperventilating before he can show him anything. Minghao notices how he stiffens and his hands freeze midway through his icy blue, almost silver hair. “Hey, don’t worry.” He softens and Soonyoung tries to follow suit. “I’ll love it no matter what.” 

For some reason, that’s enough to calm Soonyoung down as he heads towards the middle of the room. 

 

It isn’t until they are sixteen that girls are allowed to hang out with them. The librarians watch them closer now when they hang out there, draped over the furniture with limbs too close. Soonyoung’s parents are unimpressed when he tells them that he’s got friends named  _ Momo  _ and  _ Nayoung  _ and  _ Dahyun _ . He feels obligated to tell them since he doesn’t know if they’ll be okay with him spending time without their watchful eyes, but they just send Chan after him. He’ll end up reporting any strange interactions back to his, or well,  _ their  _ parents, so they don’t really have to worry about him. Chan’s his adoptive brother that his parents somehow got their hands on. This year, he turns thirteen, but he’s not a rowdy child like Soonyoung had been. 

In the future, it’ll really suck for Chan. Soonyoung had known better than to set high expectations for himself because he would have never met the exaggerated versions that his parents would turn those expectations into, but Chan’s a good student, a good son. Their parents might end up destroying him with how much they’ll ask of him. 

“Eomma said you can’t touch them,” he says as though they are going to the zoo.  _ They’re humans,  _ Soonyoung wants to reason.  _ I’m not even interested in the fact that they are girls.  _ It’s annoying for the whole world to believe that teenage boys are just sex hungry, so they can’t spend any time with girls. Plus, he’s been friends with Momo for years because she’s in the same dance class as Minghao and him. If he had been interested in her, then he would have known it awhile ago, especially when all Seokmin and Hansol can talk about are girls. 

Instead of giving him a proper response like:  _ ‘They aren’t wild animals’  _ or  _ ‘Why would I want to go out of my way to touch any of them?’  _ Soonyoung ignores the delivery of his mother’s message. “I think you’ll like Dahyun, she’s pretty silly. She’s always joking around and she’s super nice.” He tells Chan who is (thankfully!) shorter than him. 

Narrowing his eyes at Soonyoung, he keeps walking even though he trips over his feet a little. He’s such an awkward kid. “You said that she’s pretty…” 

Soonyoung rolls his eyes, looking away from Chan as they near the library. “No, I said she was pretty silly. Clean out your ears.” He doesn’t mean to be so harsh on Chan, but there is a small part of him that might dislike Chan. It isn’t that he’s taken his parents away from him because Soonyoung has wanted that forever. It has something to do with the way his parents treat him more harshly now that there is someone else doing better at the son role than he is. 

When they get there, Minghao lifts his head up from the book in his hands. “Hey, you brought Chan.” He says with a smile. Chan returns the smile wholeheartedly and dives into Minghao’s arms. Honestly, the two of them are probably closer than he will ever be with Chan, but he doesn’t like to think about that. It doesn’t necessarily make him jealous, but he is slightly chagrined that Chan can steal Minghao’s attention away from him. “Everyone’s already waiting inside. I guess we are going to figure out what to do about the talent show. That’s what Seungkwan said.” 

They fall into step next to each other, leaving Chan to follow them. 

Inside, Nayoung is seated on one of the only functioning chairs. She greets them with a small wave and somehow that calls enough attention to them for everyone to refocus their attention onto the late arrivals. “Channie!” Hansol looks too excited to see him. It makes Soonyoung suspicious of Chan’s intention behind coming with him. Maybe the kid was after his friends too now. “We’re talking about who is going to sign up for the talent show and if we wanna perform together.” Since he’s claimed the spotlight, he decides to fill them in. Soonyoung and Minghao nod, taking seats on the floor next to Seokmin, Jeonghan, and Dahyun. Chan heads over to sit right next to Hansol (and Soonyoung reminds himself to tease him about it later). 

“Seokmin and Seungkwan are going to sing,” Junhui says, picking at his fingernails absently. Jeonghan swats at his hands, but he just turns away from him. All of them are changing in this complicated way that Soonyoung can only measure by weird looks or actions. They all come from different social groups, but they are also tethered here. Junhui is a loner while Hansol is considered popular while Seungkwan is an honors student and Joshua is a band geek. It might not be the most unlikely group, but it definitely is near the top of the list. Despite their differences, however, the similarities that drew them close are still there, in each one of them. 

“No shit,” Momo laughs fleetingly. “That’s like letting us know that Soonyoung and Minghao are going to dance.” 

The group collectively turns to them, waiting for Momo’s words to be confirmed. Soonyoung peers at Minghao, but he’s not looking towards him. Instead he’s picking at a loose thread on his t-shirt. It makes Soonyoung feel uneasy. He doesn’t really want to know what Minghao is thinking about, but he has to know. Finally, he glances at Soonyoung. “I’m not going to take part in the talent show…” He purses his lips. “I’m… sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung is quick to comfort him even though he’s the one who is disappointed by the news. “We never talked about doing anything together.” When he looks away from Minghao, he realizes that there’s still a part of the question in everyone’s eyes that hasn’t been answered by Minghao’s answer. “I will sign up to dance though. I have something I wanted to show everyone.” 

They all nod, pleased with his answer and the rest of them start to discuss what they might end up doing, but Minghao doesn’t look away from Soonyoung. He can feel his gaze on him, but he doesn’t say anything. For some reason, he thinks that Minghao knows what has gone unsaid, but neither of them address it. Neither even know where they would start. So, Soonyoung lets himself get swept up in the debate of whether Joshua should sing with Jeonghan or perform as a solo act, and he doesn’t let himself look towards Minghao’s imploring gaze. 

 

Chan has to be home by six-thirty and Soonyoung wants to go practice anyway, so they say their goodbyes first. Minghao stands up to leave with them, waving at everyone. It still is weighing on his mind and Soonyoung really wishes that he couldn’t fucking read minds or something. It’d make their friendship a lot easier if he couldn’t see through him as though he is transparent. He feels like Minghao can always hear any abnormality in his tone or with is choice of words that he himself doesn’t even catch. He wonders what it was this time that caught him. 

He tries to ignore it by getting an early start on teasing Chan. “Is Hansol your boyfriend now?” He asks out of the blue and watches as Chan nearly turns purple in embarrassment. If it weren’t so easy to tease Chan, then he probably would have quit doing it awhile ago already, but it’s satisfying to know someone who gets flustered so easily. His parents would probably try to say that he’s taking his frustrations out on him, but he doesn’t think that that has anything to do with it. It doesn’t matter if he does it when he’s trying to keep himself from thinking about problems because he’s not doing it to take anything out on Chan. He hasn’t done anything to him personally. 

The way that Minghao looks at him is something that Soonyoung won’t ever forget. His eyes so wide in a complicated surprise. He looks ready to chastise Soonyoung for asking such a question, but he turns to Chan, making him a priority and it makes Soonyoung curse underneath his breath. He’s said something wrong once again. 

“If he is, that’s okay.” Minghao says, surprising both Chan and Soonyoung with his words. “People might tell you that it isn’t okay, but love will always be just love. It’s an emotion so it doesn’t have eyes to see or judge. I’m not saying that you do, Channie, but I’m saying that if you ever find yourself liking Hansol, even a little, then that’s normal. You might end up liking him a lot, or you might end up with anyone else.” Chan looks down at the ground as he walks. It is like he doesn’t even know what to say in response to Minghao’s earnest words, but it is obvious that they’ve calmed him down. It makes Soonyoung wonder. 

But Minghao… His words wouldn’t leave Soonyoung alone. Even when they reach their houses, Soonyoung asks if Minghao can come to practice with him. He doesn’t know if he trusts himself being alone right now. Plus, he might be able to ask where all that came from. So he lets Chan say goodbye to Minghao before he heads the way opposite of the library, towards their dance studio. 

 

At the age of sixteen, [they both sport bleached hair](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaW2pI1FNvx/?taken-by=soonhaoed). It shimmers underneath the lights of the practice room and even moreso in the sunlight. It makes Soonyoung’s gaze drift to watch his best friend no matter where they are, no matter if they even are together. Now, he’s mostly done growing and his roots are buried deep within Soonyoung now, so much so that Soonyoung’s trying to figure out what Minghao’s words mean while Minghao already has figured out the underlying secret in Soonyoung’s words given to their friends (all of who supposed absolutely nothing). For Minghao, Soonyoung does questionable things, like choreograph a whole dance for two people to dance to at the talent show. He’s yet to tell him, but Minghao already knows. Minghao, being a sensitive person, is also naturally sensitive to lies or even cleverly formed half-truths. Also, due to his sensitivity, when he’s angry, his anger comes on so quickly that no one can prepare for it. The absolutely icing on the cake is that when he’s angry, he’s also exceptionally rational, so much so that he could make anyone feel foolish for whatever made him upset. 

They just make it into the practice room when Minghao slams the door behind him and marches up to him. It is a confirmation of his anger: a confirmation that Soonyoung is the one he’s angry at now. There’s a feral glint in his eyes as he back him up until his back is against the wall and he’s trapped. “ _ Who do you think you are?”  _ Minghao bites out in a tone that doesn’t even sound like his own. It makes Soonyoung flinch. 

“He’s a  _ growing boy _ , Soonyoung.” This is about Chan, about the seemingly harmless question he had used as a way to tease him. There’s something personal attached to it, but Soonyoung can’t figure that part out. “ _ What in the world  _ gave you the right to tease him about that?” His nose wrinkles with disdain. He’s so angry that every word is dripping with a displaced emotion that feels not quite like anger or sadness. Maybe it is disappointment. Minghao’s hands hit against the wall, on either side of his head. It cages him in, forces him to focus only on Minghao and his anger. 

He frowns, ducking his head. “I was only teasing him… I didn’t mean anything by it.” 

“It’s not my place,” Minghao sucks in a deep breath before continuing. “I can’t tell you anything that Chan tells me, but do him a favor and stop teasing him, especially about Hansol. The last thing he needs is an excuse to avoid that boy.” 

The frustration coloring Minghao’s face makes Soonyoung’s stomach churn uncomfortably. It makes him want to never make another mistake. Minghao’s anger often showed up around Mingyu, but it is rare for that anger to be focused towards Soonyoung. To be on the receiving end of it makes Soonyoung feel totally lost, especially when he can tell this is real anger, not just the irritation that Minghao often expresses towards his friends. “Okay,” he gulps. “I won’t tease him anymore. I didn’t know it was a sensitive subject for him, or for you.” He supposes that he’s trying to stand up for himself, but he feels like it is miserly attempt. It attempts to get something out of Minghao so that he can feel better. Minghao will be too clever to fall for it. 

Or, that’s what Soonyoung thinks until Minghao blanches, stepping away from Soonyoung. 

The hurt registers on his face and Soonyoung wants to go back in time and swallow all his words. If he could, then he’d redo this whole afternoon just so Minghao doesn’t wear this look on his face. But just as he’s going to apologize, realization dawns on him. He thinks that he’s figured out just why Minghao’s behaving like this, or at least, he knows the biggest component of it. “You... “ he starts and Minghao’s gaze is wild as it flits to his. He looks like a cornered animal even though he’s the one doing the cornering. “Do you…?” The question takes some time to form. It is hard for Soonyoung to say it, but not because he’s embarrassed, but because he knows this will change the dynamic of their relationship if they go about it the wrong way. Soonyoung could reduce Minghao down to nothing if he sounds like he’s insulting him. 

“What if I am?” Minghao spits, but his fear is too open. Soonyoung sees through him. 

He shakes his head, stepping forward. It knocks Minghao backwards since he’s unprepared for it. He falls hard onto his backside and in an instance, Soonyoung is beside him, hands hovering. “I’m fine.” Minghao winces, but looks fine. Due to his hovering, Soonyoung is way too close to Minghao. His face is only inches away from his and his heart starts working overtime. “...Soonyoung?” The anger has cooled. It is replaced with something unnamed. 

When Soonyoung swallows, he finds his mouth dry. He remembers the first fight that they had had and how Minghao couldn’t find the right words because his tongue would betray him and try to sputter out anger in his native tongue. It has always been harder for Minghao to express himself when he’s feeling a dynamic emotion. Right now, Soonyoung feels like that. He wants to return to the safety of Korean because he won’t mess up on the meanings of the words. It’ll be much easier to express his thoughts if he can have all the words properly chained together.

They are already close enough so that all Soonyoung has to do is pick himself off his heels. He barely strains his neck before he’s closed the gap between them.

His lips meet Minghao’s and his whole world is knocked off kilter. He’s not quite sure why or how he’s gotten into this position, but his chest suddenly feels like a weight has been dropped atop it. For all he knows, it may be caving in under that weight. Minghao’s hands lift off of the floor and his fingertips ghost along the length of his arm until his hands are cradling Soonyoung’s face, fingertips pressing from against his cheekbones to where his jawline begins. It’s the most bizarre sensation, especially when he realizes that Minghao is kissing him back in earnest, like he wants this too. Soonyoung’s teeth nip at his bottom lip and pull, but it is so gentle for the anger that they just had between them. Between them, Minghao hums in pleasure. It seems to anchor them down to this moment, to the reality of it. 

Minghao is the one to pull away first, chest heaving, but he’s not quite out of breathe. It is like he’s been undone, but not ruined. If anything, he seems absolutely flustered. 

They sit in silence after that. Soonyoung expects Minghao to leave as soon as he has the opening, but he stays there, looking down at the palms of his hands uselessly. Neither know how much times passes, but Soonyoung eventually grows uncomfortable with waiting for Minghao to break the silence. He reaches out a hand to pull Minghao back into reality, return him back to the practice room.  _ Where were you?  _ Soonyoung wants to ask. 

“I want to kiss you again,” Minghao says immediately, not quite making eye contact even though he’s looking towards Soonyoung. He looks like he’s watching something just beyond Soonyoung’s shoulder. His hands move to Soonyoung’s face again, caressing his thumbs against the softness of his cheeks. Soonyoung also wants to kiss him again, but he doesn’t admit that. He also doesn’t admit that Minghao is the first person that he’s kissed. Instead, he just moves his hands from lying uselessly at his sides to tracing a line from Minghao’s ankle to his midsection. His heart stutters as he watches Minghao nervously toy with his bottom lip, apparently torn between just diving back into the sensation or walking completely away from all of this. 

When Minghao still doesn’t move, Soonyoung removes one of his hands from his waist and curls it around the back of Minghao’s neck. Then he’s pulling him back in. “Don’t keep me waiting then,” he laughs lightly against his lips, and then they are kissing again. Neither has to work too hard at it. Minghao seems to give into exploring the sensation of Soonyoung’s tongue against his own, while Soonyoung is wholly intoxicated by the feeling of his fingers tangling in his blond locks. Time seems to slow while they are kissing. Soonyoung thinks this is true because he has way too much time to focus on every single nerve ending where they meet. All of his synapses are alive and burning at the contact between them yet he only wants to pull Minghao closer. If he could, then he would probably let Minghao step inside of his body just so he could feel that close to him for a second, just so he could be closer to him than any other person has ever been. 

Minghao swipes his tongue across Soonyoung’s bottom lip before he begins to trail his lips down until he’s mouthing at the sensitive skin of Soonyoung’s neck. It makes Soonyoung jump. Suddenly, he feels jittery, like he’s had too much caffeine or just finished dancing in front of a crowd of people. “What are we doing?” He asks, not unaware of their situation, but he’s asking for clarification from Minghao. He’s never even thought about doing anything like this with anyone before, let alone with Minghao, so he can’t believe that it is happening now even though he’s so completely aware of it and all the sensations it comes with. 

Letting out a breathy laugh, Minghao noses his jaw. “Kissing, I think.” 

For now, that can be answer enough for Soonyoung. For now, it can just be kissing. 

 

As they are walking home, Minghao brings up what Soonyoung expects him to, “If you wanted to perform with me, then you could have just asked a while ago.” He says softly. Their hands aren’t touching and that drives Soonyoung wild, but he doesn’t try to reach out to him, instead, he just shoves his hands deep into his pockets. “A day is going to come when I want to share that stage with you, Soonyoung. You are going to have to be ready for it because I’ll be super upset if you don’t let me up there, but… not this time.” When he looks over at Soonyoung, he gives such a heartwarming smile that Soonyoung feels that odd feeling in his chest again. The same he had felt when he first saw Minghao dance for him. It’s curious, but Soonyoung doesn’t dwell on it. 

 

Days pass by quickly much to Soonyoung’s displeasure. He knows that the date of the talent show will eventually come, but that doesn’t mean that he’s awaiting it happily. Without anyone else performing with him, he’s nervous. Last year, he had performed a dance routine with Yewon, but she’s too busy with her schoolwork to make a commitment to him this year. He knows there are other dancers that he could ask to perform with him, but he keeps holding onto hope that Minghao will agree to dance with him. So, he leaves his schedule open and is greeted with disappointment and anxiety when the talent show comes around. 

Still, Soonyoung never gives up and this won’t be an exception. Even if he won’t be on the stage beside him, he knows that Minghao would never leave him stranded. He’ll be there cheering alongside their other friends not participating in the show. As soon as it is over, then he’ll come and congratulate him. For now, all Soonyoung has to do is his best which means that he has to get first place and prove to everyone that this is what he lives for. It is one of the only things that he does for himself and he’s going to flaunt his skills now that he had them. Practicing dancing for years has only made him better and better, pushed him farther. He can do this, even if it means going up against some of his absolute best friends. 

Seokmin and Seungkwan are the first act that he knows. He can hear them from backstage as their voices rip from their chests and enthrall the crowd. They are singing a sad song about a lost love. It doesn’t have any personal meaning to either of them, but Soonyoung can still feel the emotion pouring out of them. The crowd will become intoxicated by their sadness, but Soonyoung won’t fall for it. He won’t be taking the stage until towards the end of the show, so he needs to spend time during the other acts practicing and steeling himself emotionally. Emotional performances could be some of the best, but that didn’t mean that they always won the crowd over. Seungkwan’s voice soars higher overtop Seokmin’s, but they don’t overpower each other. When they finish, the crowd goes wild. 

A little later, Joshua takes the stage with his guitar. He sings with Jihoon and Jeonghan. All have softer voices than Seungkwan and Seokmin, but they are still beautiful singers. The song that they sing is also bittersweet in nature. Soonyoung has to wonder if it is everyone’s goal to depress the crowd, while at the same time impressing them. He continues to go through his dance steps. He hasn’t spoken to Minghao about what had happened between them in the practice room, but he desperately wants to. It hasn’t been off his mind since that night and he’s been hoping for another opportunity to be that close to him again, but Minghao seems to dance away from him. It is as though he can’t see how desperate Soonyoung is for him to be next to him. Maybe he had misread it all. Maybe Minghao had never been interested in him and now Soonyoung had made it awkward. Even if Minghao didn’t act awkward around him, it still felt different somehow, but it is like Soonyoung feels different, but nothing’s changed for Minghao. 

The crowd cheers and the next act goes up to take the stage. It’s someone playing the piano. The notes flow out softly towards the crowd and Soonyoung tries to block it out to the best of his ability without totally ignoring it. He has to keep track of when he’s going to go on. Of course, there are students who are working with the sound equipment, but he’s nestled towards the exit of the stage so that he doesn’t bother anyone if any of his footfalls end up too loud. 

The piano piece finishes up and a wannabe rapper takes the stage. His snapback affixed to his head as though it is part of him now. Soonyoung should check his own reflection because he knows that he’ll be going up there soon. If he looks bad, then he’ll never want to watch the video that Nayoung will end up taking. He informs one of the stagehands and takes off down the hallway to the bathroom. 

When he gets there he hears voices, but they don’t register immediately. 

“My brother’s going to be up soon…!” Chan whines and stomps his feet. It’s a habit that he’s learned from Soonyoung. Whenever he doesn’t get something he wants, he just stomps his feet in frustration. “We can’t be late!” 

All of a sudden, Chan and Hansol run out of the bathroom and directly into Soonyoung. The noise that Chan makes is miserable and makes Soonyoung want to gather him into his arms and reassure him that he doesn’t have any preconceptions about their relationship. If he wants to go to the bathroom with Hansol, then he could. If he wants to kiss Hansol, then he can. All Soonyoung cares about is Chan’s safety and his happiness. He knows that he loves to annoy the shit out of him and he can be somewhat cruel when he’s angry at him, and it is  _ completely true  _ that he’s never wanted a brother, but he has one now and he has responsibilities as an older brother. 

“Sorry, Soonyoung!” Hansol takes a step back from both of them and holds his hands up in a sign of surrender. Soonyoung just flashes them both a smile that he hopes lacks the nervousness he feels in the pit of his stomach. 

“Better get to your seats. I’m going to shut this place down in a hot second.” He winks at them before rushing into the bathroom so he can check his appearance. 

Before he can turn the faucet on, he hears Chan calling to him. “You can do it! I’ll be cheering the loudest for you!”

It brings a warm feeling to his chest, but it doesn’t even touch the feeling that Minghao lights up within him. That warmth is so much different, so much thicker in his veins. The feeling that Chan leaves him with is that of happiness. He feels light, like he could fly. No matter what, he’d perform well for Chan, and for Minghao. They were expecting him to perform to the best of his ability and he would crush their expectations by performing better than he ever has before. 

 

Minghao runs up onto the stage when Soonyoung is bestowed with the first place prize. Seokmin and Seungkwan are awards the second place prize while whoever played piano had earned the third place prize. No one is upset about this outcome, especially [when Soonyoung performed the way he had](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXB45jlcCy/?taken-by=soonhaoed). Behind Minghao is Dahyun and Momo, but they don’t climb the stage to get to him, instead they just stand there and yell at the top of their lungs. It’s a happy moment, but amidst it all, Soonyoung realizes that he hasn’t stopped looking at Minghao. There’s something hidden underneath his surface, but Soonyoung can’t reach it quite yet. It makes his chest feel empty. 

 

“What the  _ fuck  _ happened to [your hair](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXByhhFNX2/?taken-by=soonhaoed)?” Soonyoung asks breathlessly once the stage has been cleared. Everyone is going their separate ways, congratulating the winning parties and making sure the others know that they performed well too. Soonyoung makes sure to see all of his friends before leaving with Minghao (Chan asks if he can walk home with Hansol, begs Soonyoung to stay with Minghao until he texts him that he’s almost there so their parents think that they walked together, and because he’s the best brother in the world, he agrees with no strings attached.) He has to grab his bag from his locker, but then they will be on their way too, following all the others. 

Surprised by his question, Minghao’s eyes widen and he puts a hand to his chest, feigning injury. “I dyed it for this occasion, asshole.” He looks away quickly which makes Soonyoung think that he might actually be a little shy about it. It doesn’t look bad, but he definitely needs more pink and blue. Right now it is mostly blond and way too long. Soonyoung dyes his own hair often so he knows exactly what they could do to make Minghao’s look leagues better, but he doesn’t offer to help him because if he is happy with his hair, then why should Soonyoung burst that happiness? 

He shakes his head in response. “It looks good, but… like… unfinished?” He shrugs, looking quickly over at his hair. Personally, he thought a haircut would help more than a better dye job would, but he doesn’t know if he’s in the position to tell Minghao that. He doesn’t even know what their positionality is to one another. Where do they stand? 

Where  _ do  _ they stand? 

“Yeah,” Minghao toys his fingers to it. “I was in a hurry. My mom usually helps me when I’m putting more than one color in it, but… she was at work and I wanted to be done before the talent show.” 

Soonyoung reaches over to ruffle his hair. It might be bleached and damaged, but it feels soft. He could tangle his fingers in his hair and toy with it forever if they had the time for that. They don’t though, so Soonyoung retracts his hand and smiles. “I could help you add more color, if you decide you’d like that.” He offers quietly, still unsure if that’s the proper thing to do in this situation. But after he offers, Minghao brightens back up. 

“I’d love that,” he admits, bumping his shoulder against Soonyoung’s. 

That night, Soonyoung doesn’t reach out to hold his hand, but he does walk beside him and his chest feels warmer than ever. It’s a feeling that he could lose himself in and he wants to know if Minghao feels it too, but he’s okay with waiting to know. There’s nothing rushing him, and he’s not going to rush Minghao. Plus, he doesn’t want to be in a hurry to end up with a broken heart… No, he’d like to avoid that future at all costs, even if it could always just suddenly become his reality. That’s why he had to succeed. Soonyoung couldn’t just give up on his feelings. 

 

[His hair turns out much better the next morning](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXCQarlM8l/?taken-by=soonhaoed). 

 

It takes half a year before Soonyoung’s feelings are validated by Minghao again. This time it is quite simple, like they’ve always been together. “You wanna go out with Nayoung and Jieqiong?” He yells up at Soonyoung’s open window. It’s better than texting for them, especially when they both are on a limited data plan. “They invited us for coffee and maybe bowling?” Soonyoung’s looking down at him like he wants to murder him for waking him up at ten on the weekend. School already uses up so much of his energy that he  _ needs  _ the weekend so that he can recharge. The last thing he needs to do is fail out during his senior year. “We have to get going! They are already on their way there, so get your ass out of bed.” 

Downstairs, his front door opens and Minghao steps away from the house until he’s back on the sidewalk. “Good morning, Minghao.” Soonyoung’s mother says with a sour express. It is more than likely that she heard him cursing up at Soonyoung’s window and Minghao’ll be lucky if he gets out of there without a harsh reprimanding. Luckily for Soonyoung though, Minghao is such a good student that his mother can’t really keep them away from each other. If she would separate them, Soonyoung would ultimately start doing as badly as he had been doing before Minghao.  Or at least, that’s what everyone seems to think. Soonyoung doesn’t think that he would intentionally fail himself, but he definitely would fail to rebel against the strict parenting he’s had to succumb to for years. 

“Hi,” he bows politely to her. From his window, he can see the way that Minghao’s complexion goes all splotchy in embarrassment. “I was wondering if Soonyoung was awake. We were going to meet up with the other half of our group project.” He lies easily. “They invited us to grab coffee beforehand and said we could go bowling afterwards.” Honestly, he sounds influenced by Soonyoung, but Minghao has always been like this. It’s always been easy for lies to slip from his tongue, especially if they are excuses needed to be hastily given to Soonyoung’s parents. “My mom also invited Soonyoung to dinner if that’s okay… She said she’ll send some dessert back for you.” 

He can’t see his mother from here, but he can still hear them. Even so, he knows better than to let Minghao shoulder the burden of his mother alone, so he starts to dig through his closet for clothes to wear out. There’s no reason that he won’t be able to go unless Minghao sputters out the wrong thing. Right now, his mother is asking about the project, about their other group members. Thankfully, it is Nayoung and Jieqiong. His mother knows both of them from dance practices and she trusts Nayoung as though she’s her own daughter. Soonyoung thinks that is probably for the best too, because Nayoung might be one of the most trustworthy people that he knows. 

“I’m coming down!” Soonyoung calls down the stairs as he finishes pulling his socks on. “Mom, don’t you dare try to get Chan to tag along because he’s has a social life too now!” He knows better than to squeeze past his mother, so he gives her a kiss against her cheek and uses the way she moves to accept it to fit between the doorframe and her. “I promise I won’t be back,” he waves to his mother as he pushes against Minghao’s shoulders so they can leave. 

“Goodbye!” Minghao beams behind them and waits until the door is shut before he takes off after Soonyoung. 

 

“Haven’t you ever heard how you shouldn’t leave [ladies waiting](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXCeG6Fn1I/?taken-by=soonhaoed)?” Jieqiong is the only one at the table when they make it to the cafe. The whole walk there Minghao had said how much he needed this. Soonyoung didn’t know exactly what that meant, but he guessed that it had to do with the need for caffeine in the midst of college preparation. Soonyoung could understand, but at the same time, he couldn’t because he had his heart in the practice room. Studying took a backseat to dancing because he had to come with the perfect routine so that he could get accepted to some of the best universities. He couldn’t settle for less than the best, but Minghao had a future outside of dancing that he could chase after. Dance had brought them closer, but it could end up pulling them apart if Minghao ends up following his other aspirations. Neither have spoken about their future plans yet, but that day would have to come sometime… Sometime soon. 

Jieqiong is looking stunning in a mint-colored blazer that pairs well with Nayoung’s darker blue one. If Soonyoung had to guess, then he would say that they had a dance performance, but he doesn’t know that for sure since girls are always dressing up in things that pair well together with one another. Nayoung just isn’t exactly the type to want to be all matchy with another girl, especially someone who dresses as expensively as Jieqiong. They might be inseparable friends, but that didn’t mean they always agreed with each other’s opinions. Minghao and Soonyoung are similar to them, but they disagree a lot less, especially because they are more alike than the girls are. “Don’t scare them off,” Nayoung calls from the counter, looking annoyed by how the workers are milling about. 

“They got our orders wrong…” Jieqiong mock whispers, informing them of her bad mood. “She’s more upset that they got mine wrong than she is that hers was messed up too. She’s really something.” She laughs, pushing her hair behind her hair. Nayoung’s wearing her brown hair up in a high ponytail that suits her while Jieqiong is almost always wearing her hair down in soft black curls that fall down to her midsection. 

Minghao laughs, shrugging out of his jacket. Soonyoung just watches everyone quietly, still agitated by having to be awake before noon, even if he’s with friends now. No one seems to mind his silence, but it is out of the ordinary. Nayoung is the first to pick up on it as she comes back with their drinks. “You okay?” She asks quietly. Still, it pulls Minghao and Jieqiong out of their conversation about how overworked food service employees are. Minghao had been detailing the ways in which they could and have been mistreated recently and how the service could change while Jieqiong interjected with her opinions (which mostly had been agreements or anecdotes that she had heard or read on the internet). 

He shrugs in response, resting his head on his hand. “I’m just tired.” 

Politely, Nayoung chuckles about to take her seat, but then she stops. “Well, then I’ll take your order if your boyfriend doesn’t want to.” She says with a smile on her face. She says it like it might be the reality of the situation and Soonyoung’s head falls right out of his hand in shock. His head moves so fast that he’s scared his neck might break. 

“What?” Soonyoung’s voice is small. 

Minghao purses his lips. “She said I was your boyfriend,” he looks out of the nearby window, trying to avoid Soonyoung’s eyes. “When she invited us this morning, I might have… failed to correct her when she said I could invite my boyfriend. I… didn’t really think it would be an issue, and I didn’t know if she was joking or not.” The atmosphere has gone all awkward, but it isn’t completely ruined yet. Soonyoung’s scared that he’ll be the one to ruin it because he’s usually the one that does it. 

He tries to think of what to say.  _ It’s really awkward _ , he thinks. Nayoung looks pained as her gaze flits from one boy to the other as though she’s just pulled the pin of a grenade. Jieqiong looks more interested in Nayoung’s discomfort than in whatever is happening in the silence. Neither try to interrupt them though, even if they aren’t saying anything. 

Suddenly, as though he’s the grenade, Soonyoung explodes with a question that surprises himself. “Are you my boyfriend?” He sounds confused, like he’s not quite sure if they are dating or not. They aren’t and Soonyoung supposes he knows that, but there’s something about their relationship that has been so odd since that day in the practice room. Soonyoung can’t just sweep that under the rug and ignore it. Something about their relationship had changed, but neither had tried to talk about it. Instead, they just went on as though nothing was different. 

Was that a mistake?

Minghao looks just as startled as Soonyoung. He leans back in his seat with wide eyes. “Am I?” He asks. It is like both of them have forgotten what to call their relationship. Before this moment, they understand where they stood with one another, but now they aren’t exactly sure. Jieqiong laughs awkwardly, reminding them that they aren’t alone. 

“I think you are,” she interjects. Nayoung nods beside her. “But I’m going to go order something secret for the both of you.” She hops off her chair and tugs Nayoung over towards the counter again. It gives them minimal privacy, like the hallway had years ago when they had shared their first look of interest. But back then, it had been only been a look shared between new friends who were discovering each other. This time the privacy granted to them is to share a look of misunderstanding, to try to clear something up. 

“What are we?” Soonyoung asks desperately as soon as Jieqiong’s feet hit the floor. She’s a good friend because she doesn’t turn to look at them, instead she makes sure they have their promised privacy as they leave. His hands lay on his knees uselessly. He could be using them to hold onto Minghao if they were dating. He could be using his hands to pull him in and keep him close. He knows how to use his hands if he’s given a purpose for them, but they are so confused right now. They want to hold onto Minghao’s, but he doesn’t know where they stand. Why didn’t Minghao correct her? Did he really think that she was just joking? Does Nayoung ever joke over text? 

Minghao offers the tiniest smile. It’s adorable, but Soonyoung can’t tell him that because he doesn’t know where they stand and friends don’t say that sort of thing to one another over coffee. “Do you like me?” He asks. 

_ Duh _ , Soonyoung stops himself from saying. “Yeah.” He might answer too quickly, but he doesn’t know what too quickly is in this situation. Is he responding too quickly? Is he being too forward? He didn’t know how to ask people out. Dating made almost no sense to him. He knows that Dahyun and Seokmin date and go to movies and hang out a lot, but Seokmin does that with others too and it isn’t dating. Soonyoung does that with Minghao, so are they dating? 

He feels out of breath and spent. It is like he’s ran a marathon when all they are doing is having a conversation. Minghao looks away, blushing. He’s never really just embarrassed. Usually he’s angry and embarrassed or annoyed and embarrassed or happy and embarrassed, so Soonyoung wonders what he is now. “Me too,” he says, but Soonyoung had figured that answer out. 

“So, are we?” Soonyoung asks again, “Because I want to be, I think?”

“You think?” Tilting his head, Minghao’s eyes widen. “What does that mean?”

He shakes his head, trying to get Minghao to stop looking at him in confusion. “No, I mean… I don’t know how dating is supposed to work? Let alone between two boys? I want to date you, but I don’t know what that entails?” 

His confusion gifts him with a laugh from Minghao. His nose crinkles and he shakes his head at Soonyoung for being so awkward about this. Both of them were so awkward while talking about it, but Soonyoung doesn’t even know how to close the deal. “It entails hand holding right now.” Minghao reaches his hand out and takes Soonyoung’s into his own. “It entails me kissing the daylight out of you as soon as we get back to my house.” 

 

They go bowling with Nayoung and Jieqiong and have to live with the fact that Lim Nayoung is absolutely the best at everything she does. There’s just no comparing to her, so they lose extravagantly and end up having to pay for the game. Soonyoung had forgotten his wallet at home, so Minghao covers him like a proper gentleman and before Nayoung can invite them anywhere else, they say their goodbyes, claiming (not untruthfully) that they have to get to dinner since it is with Minghao’s parents. 

Or, at least, Soonyoung thinks that they aren’t lying to them, but Minghao reveals his parents aren’t even going to be home until ten in the afternoon. Ideally, Minghao had successfully manipulated the day so that he could share the whole day with Soonyoung. Even though the scene at the cafe had seemed random and unexpected, Soonyoung had to wonder if he didn’t expect for something like that to happen… or maybe he was hoping to use their time together to bring it up. It didn’t really matter, but Soonyoung did wonder about what Minghao had planned for today. No one would be surprised to find out that Minghao is conniving, but Soonyoung expects him to just be honest with him. They are best friends… That comes with a lot of honesty and a closeness that is hard to replicate with others. 

Soonyoung knows it is possible to have more than one best friend. He knows that the relationship that Minghao and him have isn’t a normal friendship, but from the moment he had seen him, Soonyoung had been determined to stand beside Minghao. This isn’t where he imagined he’d be six years later, but he isn’t complaining. Boys are complicated, and Soonyoung is no exception to that rule. But Soonyoung’s also always been quite difficult. His parents always expected the worst news from his teachers and coaches, but he only did bad things to get back at his parents for not trusting him or seeing him as a perfect son. What was a perfect son anyway? Chan, who always listened to them and made sure to be home whenever they needed him to be? Minghao, who cared for his parents so much that he would rather hurt himself than leave them to suffer but would lie to him to get his way? Seokmin, who deserved the whole world’s love but often was on the receiving end of negativity or not good enoughs? Was it Hansol? Junhui? Jihoon?

Who had any right to define the perfect son? Why did a son have to be perfect for his parents? Soonyoung couldn’t wrap his head around that no matter how hard he tried to understand it. He wanted to be a good son, but his parents would always set such unattainable expectations for him. It never was about what he could and couldn’t do, but instead about what he should do to attain that perfection. He remembers going to them for help, for understanding, but that’s never what he received. So… what would his parents do about this? Would they throw him out or tell him that he’s totally betrayed him by loving a boy? Would they treat Chan the same way when they found out about him? 

What did dating Minghao entail?  _ Hand holding _ , Minghao himself had said with a confidence that Soonyoung lacked.  _ Kissing, later _ , he promised. But more than that, what did it entail? There are things hidden underneath the surface of the emotions. There are things that will have to come out one day and if Soonyoung doesn’t think about them, then who will? Is he prepared to date someone so close to him? Someone who knows everything about him and watched him grow up? He can’t put on a mask for Minghao. Even if their relationship isn’t permanent, then what does it mean for them? If they break up, will they still be friends? Will this ruin them forever? 

Minghao notices how the smile on Soonyoung’s face has faded. 

“Soon-ah,” his voice is so soft that it makes Soonyoung’s chest feel tight. “Soon-ah,” he repeats and Soonyoung chokes on his breath, forcing himself back into the reality of the moment. Minghao looks bewildered as he reaches out to him. They are sitting on his couch, watching some crime documentary that had been playing when they turned the television on. Soon, their pizza would be there and then they would eat and feel better. Then they would do things together. 

“Why are you crying?” Minghao whispers, his fingertips coming away from Soonyoung’s cheeks damp. 

 

They don’t talk about it. Actually, they don’t talk about anything for weeks. 

 

“I’m not going.” Minghao says from across the couch. Both of them are facing one another, passing his DS with each round of Mario Kart that passes. [His hair is brown now](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXCzeDlT-I/?taken-by=soonhaoed). The cotton candy colors had faded too much for him, so he replaced their vibrant hues by going back to brown, except it is lighter than when he was eleven. He doesn’t look upset when he says it and it is an opening for a conversation. They haven’t been speaking in so many words, instead they’ve been distanced from one another. It is Soonyoung’s fault because as soon as they got closer, he drove a wedge in between them. He made himself unsure about their relationship before it even had a chance to flourish.  _ I have to do something before we can be together like that _ . He says, but he doesn’t know if he’ll ever have the confidence to face his own demons. 

Hand in a bag of Lays, Soonyoung freezes. “Where?” He asks, even though he knows. This is a conversation that will make him upset, but he doesn’t say so. It isn’t right of him to put expectations onto Minghao or to ask anything from him. One day, he might be able to do that again, but for right now, they are waiting for Soonyoung to fulfill his end of the bargain. Minghao understands, but it still hurts the both of them. They had been so momentarily happy, but it had been so fleeting that it hardly even mattered that it happened. Still, neither are willing to let it just fade away from their memories. Especially not Soonyoung because it haunted him. 

The round ends, or Minghao pauses the game. He lowers the screen and puts it off to the side. “Prom,” he says with a faraway look in his eyes. “I know we have tickets and suits, but I don’t want to go anymore.” Soonyoung knows that he isn’t pressuring him into figuring himself out, but he also knows that Minghao is getting irritated by him. Honestly, Soonyoung is irritated by himself. It seems like such an easy thing to do, but he can’t gather up the courage. 

Not even for Minghao.  _ Am I a coward?  _

He definitely feels like one. “There’s nothing I can say that’ll change your mind?” Soonyoung raises an eyebrow, sitting up now. Minghao does the same so that they meet in the middle. Their knees are touching, but that’s it. If Minghao has any say in it (which he has megaphone right now), then that’s all that will touch. They keep their hands to themselves. Soonyoung can’t even close the distance between them to kiss him because Minghao would reject him.  _ Would he?  _ Soonyoung doubts him, but he doesn’t want to have to live with the humiliation of the rejection if it does happen. 

Without humor, Minghao shakes his head. “I’m serious about it. Okay?” 

He quivers underneath Minghao’s gaze. There’s something burning there that Soonyoung doesn’t like. He thinks that it might be anger, sitting deeply within him, but it could be so much more complex than that. It probably  _ is  _ so much more complex than that. He doesn’t understand anything that goes through Minghao’s head sometimes, but this is something that he can understand because it feels like disappointment, but looks like betrayal. 

“Okay,” he whispers as Minghao pulls himself off the couch, leaving Soonyoung there. 

Then, as though he’s just now remembering him, Minghao turns around. “You aren’t a fixture here.” 

 

He knocks on the door with weak knees. If he could stop himself from doing this, then he would.  _ You aren’t a fixture here.  _ Minghao’s voice rings in his ears. It only adds to the questions already on his mind. Where is here? Did he only mean his house? Or did he mean in his life? In his heart? He doesn’t want to be a person that Minghao can just throw away, even though he knows he would never do that. He wants to be permanent in his life. They are always supposed to be together. It is how best friends are. It is what he’s always wanted out of their relationship, but now his doubts and fears are jeopardizing not only his relationship with Minghao, but his friendship as well. He likes to boast about how much courage he has… In reality, he’s just spineless. 

Chan opens his bedroom door, surprised to see Soonyoung there. His phone is pressed against his ear, “Hey, let me call you back, Hansol.” He says softly into the receiver before turning his full attention towards Soonyoung. “Hey,” he giggles, opening his door all the way. “I thought you were mom saying that dinner is ready.” 

“Can you come with me? I want to tell our parents something and I need you.” His chest feels tight and he really wants to cry, but he won’t. Not yet at least. He makes sure to breathe carefully: in and out as steadily as possible. Chan’s eyes widen until they are the size of full moons. He’s never really been needed by Soonyoung before, so he’s probably shocked down to his core to hear him being depended on. Soonyoung didn’t really need anyone other than Minghao, but there is no way that Minghao can help him here now when he’s the one that had incited the questions raging in his head. Chan understands and he won’t pressure him. Out of all the people in the whole universe, Chan is the only one that Soonyoung needs in this moment. No one can compare to his brotherly support and warm smile. 

He hopes that Hansol realizes that he has a person made of complete sunlight in the palm of his hand. 

Suddenly, Chan is all business though. The surprise melts away quickly and is replaced with a seriousness that has Soonyoung wanting to go lay back down in bed until his heartbeat has steadied. He feels like he’s standing atop of the highest point of a rollercoaster with no one down other than to follow the steep decline. He feels like that at any second, his feet can be pulled out from underneath him. “What? Did something happen?” His voice goes all quiet and soft. He doesn’t wear his trademark smile any longer, just tries to stay focused on him with a gaze that is imploring. 

“I’m going to tell them I’m gay,” he says. A bubble of laughter hiccups from his lips and then he has to choke back some tears. “It’s fucking... “ He looks around, mostly up towards the ceiling so he doesn’t let any tears leak out. Trying to clear his throat, he swipes his fingers through his hair. “I just need someone to be there with me when it goes bad.” 

Finally, he takes one last calming breath and looks at Chan. He nods, understanding exactly what he needs from him. 

 

He knocks on the door with wild fists. It isn’t raining, but it feels like it should be. If Soonyoung could command it to, then he would.  _ His hand is in Chan’s hand. He’s squeezing so tightly that he might just break all of his fingers by the time this conversation is over _ . No one is answering, but he desperately needs him. He’s all that he’s ever needed. It’s so dramatic. It’s something that a teenager would say or do. It is like believing in fate or true love or Santa Claus. Childish fantasies.  _ His mom looks at him she’s already been disappointed before the conversation can even start. She casts a look towards the oven, reminding herself that they are about to have dinner as a family for the first time in a week. Every Thursday… The only day that any of them dressed up for one another. Chan and Soonyoung putting on masks of happy, unstressed sons.  _ He slams his fists against the door. His knuckles are starting to ache and he hasn’t even been here for more than a couple of minutes. “Answer,” he grits his teeth, feeling the warm tears slide down his cheeks until they are rivers. It isn’t even that late in the evening. “Why aren’t you answering?” 

Minghao opens the door with wet hair. Soonyoung laughs bitterly, like the universe had plotted against him by having his best friend climb into the shower when he would need him minutes later. He takes one look at Soonyoung before he’s pulling him into the house and wrapping his arms around him. Soonyoung clings to him, wrapping his fingers into his sweatshirt until he is anchored against Minghao.  _ “I have something I need to tell you…” Soonyoung trails off, feeling the tightness in his chest knock all the air out of his lungs. Chan’s hand tightens around his underneath the table while his mother just looks back towards the oven again. It is like she can’t see how affected he is by this. All that she cares about is dinner and it makes Soonyoung want to rip out all of his hair and scream at the top of his lungs atop the kitchen table. He bets that she still wouldn’t hear him.  _ No questions. Minghao doesn’t ask him anything, just pulls him into his bedroom, then into his bed. He doesn’t try to separate himself from him, just holds onto him and lays both of them down. He continues to cry because he can’t stop his tears. They just keep coming. Whenever he thinks of something to say, his tears spill out more rapidly. He’s in need of a tissue, but he needs Minghao to stay next to him more than he needs to clean himself up when he’s just going to start crying again. 

_ “What?” His mother’s eyes roll up to express his disinterest. She doesn’t seem to care that this is her son wanting to talk to her. It seems like she’s just annoyed by life in general. Why does it keep interrupting her? All she wanted to do was make a casserole for her family. Chan purses his lips awkwardly and Soonyoung hates that he forced him to come down here with him. He should have just dealt with it himself.  _ “Minghao,” He clings to him, digs his fingers further into the fabric, twisting it. “Minghao, I can’t go home. I don’t want to ever go back home.” He sounds like he’s blubbering, but his words make more sense than they should. His emotions feel like they are scattered everywhere and he just feels anger and hatred and loneliness and fear and sadness and a million other things all clashing. 

“You can stay here,” he says. There’s still no question wondering why he’s crying. Minghao is giving him the space he needs and waiting for Soonyoung to tell him whatever he wants to whenever he’s ready. It makes Soonyoung’s heart hurt. His core already feels empty aside from the awful pain that fills up his chest until it could burst. “You can always stay here.” Minghao brushes his fingers through his hair, holding him as close as he can. His breath comes out in tiny puffs against Minghao’s neck. It has to tickle or feel weird, but Minghao doesn’t complain or move.  _ “Mom,” Chan says. He sounds so upset that their mother turns to examine him. “Don’t worry about dinner right now. Just listen to Soonyoung. He has something he wants to tell you.” Now it is Chan finding the strength that Soonyoung lacks. It is almost laughable, how Soonyoung thinks he’s capable of doing this without making a fool of himself. Chan looks at him expectantly and his mother turns her attention to him too. It’s now. There’s no other time to do it.  _

_ “Mom, I’m gay.” He says, quietly. If she cares enough, then she’ll argue with him that he’s not. It’s just a phase that kids go through nowadays. He’s saying it for attention or because he doesn’t understand the concept. Chan starts to chew on his lip in the silence that surrounds all of them. “I can’t… I don’t want to keep it from you anymore. I don’t want to keep myself hidden anymore.” A tear slips free and others follow. The silence makes him feel so lonely even though he’s surrounded by his family, in his own home. His mother purses her lips, but doesn’t say anything right away. He wants to force the words from her. Any words from her. He needs to know what she’s going to say and he can’t just sit there and wait for them.  _

Minghao’s hand slips out of his hair and goes to rub soothingly against his back in tiny circles. Soonyoung keeps on crying, his whole body rocking with the force of it all. In their years of friendship, Minghao hasn’t ever seen him like this and he hopes that he’ll never have to show this side to him ever again. It’s weak, but more than that… He’s at his lowest point possible. This has to be his rock bottom because he can’t sink any further down.  _ “Oh?” Her brow is furrowed. She probably thinks this is a joke because that’s what Soonyoung does to her. He tries her patience and says ridiculous things all the time. When Soonyoung and Chan don’t burst out into laughter, she gets the hint that this is reality. Her son has just stepped out as a social abnormality to her. He’s ruined, a disgrace, a disappointment. To Soonyoung, none of that is anything new, but that doesn’t matter to his mother because she can make him feel like those describe him permanently now.  _ His chest is heaving so hard that he thinks his heart might burst. 

“Soon-ah…” Minghao whispers. “I’ve got you.” He’s trying to comfort him, but his words do little to placate him.  _ She stands up, turning away from Chan and Soonyoung. They both exchanged hurried looks. “Mom?” Soonyoung asks quietly, trying to reach out to her. He doesn’t know why she means this much to him when all he wants to do is oppose her. She’ll probably think that he is saying this because he wants to make her angry, but she would be so wrong. This is the first time that he actually wants her approval and support. He’s not trying to upset her at all. For the first time, he’s trying to tell the truth. “Mom?” He repeats desperately _ . 

A wail rips from his throat and he buries his head into the crook of Minghao’s neck to hide his face. “I told her, Minghao! I told my mom that I… that I like boys and she…” He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop crying. His eyes sting so badly that he can hardly open them, but is tears don’t care about pain. They flow because they can and because they need to.  _ She turns back around with a ferocious look on her face. “How do you know what you are?” Her face is all pinched up in anger. She throws the pitcher of water she’s holding onto Soonyoung. He’s drenched in it and the plastic container hits him against the cheek. Chan puffs up his cheeks like he’s going to come to his defense but she affixes him with the hardest gaze. “Go to your room right now. Don’t talk back to me.” And there’s something in her gaze that scares both of them. He can’t understand why she’s so upset about this. It doesn’t even have anything to do with her. He should have just been able to tell her and things to continue along the same path. Nothing’s changed within him or about him. All he’s doing is telling her because he feels like it is important. He’s telling her because he doesn’t want her to find out that he’s been hiding it from her like a dirty secret. Minghao is not a secret to be kept and he won’t let him slip away because he’s a coward.  _

_ “You don’t like boys,” she says simply as though that fixes the problem. “It isn’t normal to like boys. We can get you a therapy if you really think you like them. I don’t know what to do with you. All I’ve ever done is support you and pushed you along a good path and this is the thanks I get in return from you. You try to tell me that you’re gay.” A wild laugh escapes from her throat. It makes Soonyoung tremble. He’s never seen his mother like this and he’s seen her in such terrible moods that she could become a hurricane. Right now, she is one. “Now, go back upstairs. I’ll come and get you when dinner is ready. Don’t mention any of this to your father, alright?” Just like that, it’s all swept underneath the rug. That’s the end of it.  _ Minghao doesn’t push him, just waits until he’s ready to speak again. It could take him days and Minghao would probably stay right here, waiting for him. He knows better than to rush his words. All that he wants to do for him is support him and that’s all Soonyoung needs right now. 

Soonyoung looks up at Minghao through his tears. Time seems to slow in between them. Easily, Soonyoung breaks the silence with more tears. “I want to  _ die… _ !” He digs his heels into the bed and nearly screams. “It hurts so bad, Minghao. It hurts so much!” His chest feels like it is an empty black hole that is swallowing pain. It makes him feel like his whole being is threatening to collapse and he can’t do anything to stop it. Everything is at his worst. He’s ruined his relationship with his mother and left Chan to deal with it alone.  _ “I’m not going back upstairs until you take me seriously…” He doesn’t know how he manages the words. It is so hard to continue this conversation, but he didn’t come down here to be treated anything but seriously. When his mother turns to face him, her eyes have gone cold.  _

_ “Gay,” she laughs. “It shouldn’t even surprise me at this point, should it?” Soonyoung feels meaningless, worthless. It is like he’s a forest and she’s a forest fire. He’s aflame now, just the same as her. They can’t see eye-to-eye. “You want to be treated seriously? Soonyoung, don’t you realize that you still act like a child? How am I supposed to treat you seriously when you are acting like a joke?” She rolls her eyes, throwing the dishrag she’s picked up from the counter onto the table he’s sitting at. “You pull these kinds of things all the time for attention. I can’t take anything you say or do seriously. None of us can!” Her voice raises. Soon, his father will be stomping down the stairs to join the argument. There’s absolutely no doubt that he’ll take her side.  _

“No, no, Soon-ah,” Minghao’s voice catches on his name and unravels. When Soonyoung looks back up at him, he finds his eyes filled with tears of his own. “It’s going to turn out okay, I promise. The pain goes away.” He tries to hold onto him tighter, but it is almost impossible at this point. They are so close that there is barely any space between them. This is as close to inseparable as they will physically get. Sex is an illusion of proximity, but this is reality. He’s melded to his skin, tears dropping onto one another.  _ This  _ is what it feels like to be impossibly close to another body.  _ “I don’t do anything for attention! I do it because you treat me like I’m a mistake! I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t want to have me because you don’t treat me like I’m your son. You treat me like I’m just the family disappointment!” He doesn’t know why he’s letting words escape his mouth because he knows that he’s going to end up regretting them. Nothing good will ever come out of this conversation other than Soonyoung’s honesty, and even then, no one will care about that because of the harshness and disappointment.  _

_ “We wouldn’t treat you like that if you ever did anything.” She says, resilient, like it isn’t an insult. “You are the only problem here, Soonyoung. If you behaved and stopped hanging out with that troublesome boy, then we wouldn’t have to hover over you like we do. All we asked from you was to get good grades so you could get into a good college. Now you want to dance and you think you are gay. It’s so hard to keep up with you. You don’t think realistically. What do you think the world is going to do to you? A gay dancer… This is all Minghao’s fault… I don’t want you to talk to him anymore.” It’s the biggest threat that she could use against him. It’s the only way to damage him irreparably. He could give up a lot of things, but Minghao isn’t one of them. With this, she thinks that she’s won.  _

_ “No, I won’t.” Soonyoung stands up from the table. “I won’t be your disappointment and I won’t listen to you anymore.”  _

_ His mother looks him steadily in the eyes. This is a form of goodbye the world doesn’t have a proper term for, but the emotion is strong. “If you leave, you can’t ever come back here.” She warns. “If you walk out of that door, I never want to see you again. You won’t be any son of mine.” There’s such an evenness in her voice that Soonyoung has to wonder if this has any effect on her. Clearly, she is trying to get him to stay, but for what purpose? What attachment could she possibly have to him if she could treat him like this?  _

_ “I don’t want to be any son of yours.” It’s his goodbye. Without looking back, he runs for the front door, ignoring Chan’s call from the stairwell. They had school together, so they could see each other still, but he can’t stay here. He doesn’t think he can ever come back either. It’s an ending, but he can’t really describe what it is on. Of a family? No, he still has Chan, at least. Of a home? He can make a new home with his friends, with Minghao. Maybe it is the freedom that he’s always needed, always wanted. He doesn’t know, so he runs to the only comfort he knows.  _ He doesn’t know how long they lay there or when he stops crying, but after awhile of Minghao comforting him through his own tears, they fall asleep. It’s so simple, but his chest still feels empty in his dreams. 

 

Chan ends up bringing him his things after school one day. Neither smile at the other.

 

He wonders if this pain will ever pass. “Of course. I told you that it goes away.” Minghao smiles at him and he understands. 

 

Prom comes and goes. Both of them decide not to go despite their friends. 

 

However, they do crash [After Prom](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXEW0ylyRW/?taken-by=soonhaoed). Dahyun and Momo agree to wait next to the door so they can let them in when they get there. If the principal finds out, then he’ll definitely be upset, but they hardly care. Soonyoung knows that he’s been an awful friend, so he needs After Prom to make amends, especially to Chan. Graduation is coming upon them so quickly, so he knows better than to keep moping over the loss of his mother when he has friends willing to support him and care for him in her absence. It isn’t a replacement, but he has healthier relationships with better people than his mother. None of them seem to judge his relationship with Minghao either. 

“Hey,” Dahyun is the one to open the door. Momo is keeping lookout with Seokmin, who is worrying endlessly about the trouble that his girlfriend will get into if she’s caught. It’s been so long since he’s had a proper conversation with any of them. He’s still gone to school and dance practice, but he forgets that they are alongside him. All of it fades into the background when he’s so stuck in his head. All of them understand though. All of them are too willing to understand (aside from Jihoon and Jeonghan who both get very upset about his sudden clamming up, but even they allow it once they figure out the truth behind it). It isn’t like it has been too long. For the better part of a month and a half, Soonyoung has kept to himself. He knows that it could have ended up being a lot longer if he didn’t have such good friends to keep him above the surface while all his negative thoughts threatened to keep him underwater. 

As soon as they are in, Seokmin is pulling Dahyun into his arms from behind her. She giggles freely, tilting her head back and beaming like she’s looking at the most magnificent piece of artwork. Their smiles reflect one another, holding all the happiness in the whole world. Soonyoung doesn’t believe in fate, but there’s something between Seokmin and Dahyun that is undeniable. It’s universal, something ingrained with them. He used to be jealous of it before he realized that he had that pull with his best friend. 

Seokmin gives Dahyun a kiss against her temple and smiles at Minghao and Soonyoung. “Welcome to After Prom!” He exclaims, pressing his nose against the side of Dahyun’s neck. “Have as much fun as you’d like! Our group is dancing or at the breakfast bar.” He informs them, then starts to waddle with Dahyun back towards (what Soonyoung assumes is) the breakfast bar. Momo waits for them another minute before announcing that she’s going to the dance floor and they follow her out there.  _ Prom Pt. 2  _ is on a banner in the middle of the hallway leading the auxiliary gym. The doors are propped open and music flows out of it intoxicatingly. Dance clubs will probably be the death of Soonyoung when he’s in college and he has no one to talk him out of going in. Minghao walks alongside him and when they enter, they are swallowed by the darkness. Momo, behind them, slips a glow-in-the-dark necklace around their necks and it barely helps them. 

Minghao laughs freely, but Soonyoung can’t hear him over the music, so he takes his hand and heads towards the middle of the dance floor so they can get lost in the crowd. Minghao grabs onto Momo and the three of them blend easily in with the rest of the students populating the gym. Once they’ve decided on a spot, they turn into each other and start to dance wildly without regard for the beat. There is something that Soonyoung needs tonight and it isn’t to focus on the beat of the song, trying to choreograph a perfect routine to it. For right now, all Soonyoung needs is to dance and to be next to Minghao. Everything else can wait for him because he’s healing. 

 

At four in the morning, they spill out of the school and into Minghao’s car. Both of them are strung out on caffeine and lack of sleep, so they call out loudly to the night air and laugh without regard for the people that might be sleeping in their houses. “We should egg my house,” Soonyoung says breathlessly, spinning. He bumps into Minghao and he can feel warm hands pulling him in. They are almost to the car, but the world slants and time stops. 

“I can think of something better to do,” Minghao says with a funny look on his face. It makes Soonyoung feel warmth in his chest. There’s a fondness in his gaze that he hopes he reflects because this is important to him. In an instance, Minghao is pressing fleeting kisses against his lips. It’s impatient and excited, but Soonyoung still thinks it is perfect. 

Once they get to his car, Minghao pulls him in and keeps kissing him because there is no need to rush anything. it doesn’t matter that they kiss until other students start spilling out from the school. All that matters is that they are in each other’s hands and it is exactly where they need to be. Soonyoung wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the whole world. Minghao’s lips taste like the strawberries he had put on his pancakes and it is details like that that lose Soonyoung completely. He unravels and is reduced to emotions and sensations only. Minghao does that to him. 

He hopes he does that to Minghao too. 

 

The next months pass in a flurry of events. First comes the talent show. It is their senior year, so Minghao begrudgingly agrees to dance with him. Soonyoung knows that he doesn’t hate the idea of it, but he’s more concerned with messing up in a way that will ruin how Soonyoung looks. It shouldn’t bother Soonyoung so much, but he would love for Minghao to think of himself as an equal to him on the dance floor, but he can’t make him see that. Still, they choreograph a piece together and blow the whole school away with it. But this year is Seokmin’s as he wins first place with Chan coming in second. [Soonyoung and Minghao are third](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXE2vmFxd7/?taken-by=soonhaoed) (and Minghao probably blames himself), but it is the happiest that Soonyoung’s ever been after a talent show. He wants to kiss Minghao straightaway, but he knows better than to do such an act in front of a large part of the student body. 

After the talent show comes their exams. Most of his friends are waiting to get their test results back before they send in their applications for schools, but Soonyoung’s already submitted his dance audition to multiple colleges. He knows that he’ll still have to keep his grades up, but he’s almost secured his spot at a school. All he has to do is wait for one of the various colleges to send an acceptance letter. Minghao only has one school that overlaps with him and it is neither of their first choices so he has to wonder what will happen to him. Whenever he brings it up with Minghao though, he shrugs it off like it isn’t important. Soonyoung wonders if he doesn’t fully understand the situation that graduation will bring. 

Finally, graduation comes. A summer full of desperation will follow before everyone will depart to their respective future. 

It really scares Soonyoung. The unknown factors are too many and he just wants to keep all of his friends close now that he’s reconciled with them. There are some who are going to stay back because they are still in high school and there are others who have graduated already, but Soonyoung isn’t going anywhere that anyone else is. He knows that there will chances to make new friends, and he can do that, but he won’t let go of Minghao. But that’s not a surprise to anyone. 

 

“I’m getting off [the train](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXFE5nFmuP/?taken-by=soonhaoed),” Soonyoung says excitedly, holding his phone up to his mouth. His headphones give him a sense of privacy that a normal phone call doesn’t. It is a nifty trick that he picked up while in college. A lot of people would take phone calls like this and it was nearly impossible to hear the other party no matter how hard a person tried to eavesdrop. It especially helpful for when he lived in a dorm his first year. “I can’t wait to see you again. It feels like it has been so long.” He laughs, “It hasn’t been that long, right?” 

The line crackles when he walks underneath a small tunnel. “We saw each other last month.” Minghao says. “At least once a month was our agreement. I’m glad to see we are upholding it well.  _ And  _ we have even visited each other instead of you just coming up here.” Soonyoung can hear the smile in his voice. He really wants to run up to him and scatter kisses across his cheeks. He’s missed him so much in the month that they’ve been separated, but soon they’ll have winter break and they’ll be spending all their time with one another. It’s exactly what Soonyoung is looking forward to. It’s what he always looks forward to, if not it, then summer break. 

Spending time with Minghao has become coveted because of how rare it is. Soonyoung can’t stand being so far away and only being able to video call him whenever he gets super lonely. Seokmin is up at Minghao’s college to keep him company, but there aren’t any of their close friends attending the same school as him, even though he swore that this had been the school that accepted Nayoung. 

“Okay, I’m at the parking garage. Please tell me that you see me.” He lifts a hand up. [His silver hair is hard to miss](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaXFPxqFuie/?taken-by=soonhaoed), but Soonyoung scans around because he doesn’t want to give in and let Minghao know he’s found him so easily. 

Finally, after he’s done pretending to scan the area, he hangs up his phone and bounds over to Minghao, nearly throwing himself into his arms. “Hao!” He leaves a kiss against his nose and laughs. “I missed you so, so much!” 

“I missed you too.” Minghao chuckles, pressing his nose into Soonyoung’s hair. It’s so comforting to be next to each other. Soonyoung had been so sure that when they separated for college that they would never have the same relationship that they once had, but if anything, this has only strengthened them. It’s wild how they work, but Soonyoung is so happy that this is how his future has unfolded so far. He’d give up anything, but not Minghao. The universe seems to accept that deal and continues to give him Minghao over and over again. He hopes that he has lifetimes with Minghao in other timelines, if that exists. He hopes that the universe keeps its’ promises in full. 

 

Soonyoung graduates before Minghao does, so he moves to where Minghao is so they can live together. He doesn’t have much to his name after college, but he knows that he can get a job and start building their future together. Their moving in together happens seamlessly. One day they go from constant video calls to living together and it is almost like nothing has changed aside from the fact that they can be physically intimate again. It makes Soonyoung more than a little happy since he loves to cuddle up to Minghao. Whenever he’s doing homework, he makes sure to curl up behind him and read from over his shoulder. It makes him happy to see him working so diligently on something he enjoys, plus Soonyoung ends up learning a bit along the way too. 

 

One morning, Soonyoung wakes up before Minghao. His skin glides along Minghao’s and he recalls the previous night with a thrum of excitement in his veins. He wakes up slowly, fingers lazily tracing spirals up the length of Minghao’s bare torso. His skin is so soft with the faintest tint of muscle. The feeling of his muscles clenching beneath his touch makes Soonyoung feel rather fond. The sunlight seeps into their bedroom and he’s never been happier than he is right now. He feels like his skin is glowing underneath the covers. Minghao had kissed every inch of his skin that he could and the sensation had made Soonyoung’s toes actually curl in delight. Every second about last night had been blissful. They didn’t even do more than just explore each other with soft touches from hands and mouths, but it still had been the most pleasurable experience Soonyoung had ever had. 

“I love you,” Soonyoung mumbles, pressing a kiss below his ear. Minghao rouses a little, but doesn’t open his eyes. So Soonyoung says it again and kisses the corner of his mouth, then his nose, then peppers his cheeks until Minghao is pushing him away, giggling.  _ It’s such a good thing that he’s a morning person _ , Soonyoung thinks to himself. If he wasn’t, then he’d never get away with this. Too often, already, Minghao is grumpy. School stresses him out and leaves him sleep-deprived and antsy. Winter break is too welcoming for them. It is Minghao’s senior year and soon he’ll be graduating and finding his own job and they will still be living together like this. 

“Alright, alright,” Minghao chuckles, finally accomplishing in pushing him away. “I love you,” he looks up at Soonyoung blearily. The morning weighs heavily on him and he stretches, pressing his toes against the tops of Soonyoung’s feet. Then, all of a sudden, he starts giggling, curling in on himself. Soonyoung can’t help but look curiously down at him, but Minghao doesn’t explain any of his giddiness, just leans up and presses his lips against Soonyoung’s. Morning breath takes a backseat even if Minghao is usually the one who hates it so much that he forces Soonyoung to go brush his teeth and then return to bed. “I’m thinking,” he whispers against Soonyoung’s lips. 

Raising an eyebrow, Soonyoung moves slightly away from him, but Minghao just comes back in for another kiss. His tongue slides against Soonyoung’s in a way that is too soft and slow. It is like Minghao is drinking from him. It drives him wild. When they both need a moment to catch their breath, Soonyoung moves back just enough to look at him. “You were thinking?” He asks, trying to bring back whatever thought had appeared in Minghao’s mind that made him this happy. His happiness is infectious, but spontaneous. Soonyoung wants to understand it fully. 

“I’m going to marry you,” Minghao says as though it is the simplest thing to say in the whole world. Soonyoung feels his heart drop, swell, soar all at the same time. The happiness he feels overwhelms him. It is so uncharacteristic for Minghao to be so free with his declarations of love and especially for him to say something to that degree without any prompting. “You are going to be my husband and I’m going to get to wake up like this all the time,” he says. It is like he’s forgotten that they’ve been doing this since they’ve moved in together, but Soonyoung doesn’t ruin this moment by saying something so unimportant. It doesn’t matter what has prompted him to say this because he has and Soonyoung wants to die of happiness. He wants to be able to record this moment and keep it forever on loop in his mind. 

That warmth returns in his chest. “Yeah,” he doesn’t know what else to say, so he goes back to kissing him because it communicates his feelings better than his words ever could.

Desperately, while not breaking the kiss, Minghao reaches behind him and tries to find something atop the side table. It takes him a minute to find it and Soonyoung thinks he knocks over a textbook. But when he pulls away from Soonyoung, breaking the kiss, he’s holding one of his favorite rings in his head. “Marry me,” he announces, presenting his ring to him. “If we promise this now, then we’ll be able to do it sometime after graduation.” He says. “I can get you a proper ring before the wedding. I don’t want to rush it, but I think it’s time. I know what I want. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” 

Soonyoung laughs, but he feels like crying. He’s so happy, but also so overwhelmed. “Yes,” he whispers, letting Minghao put the ring on his finger and Soonyoung reaches behind him to get one of Minghao’s rings to slip on his finger in return. It works like a promise. One day soon, they’ll be married, but for now, just like they’ve always, they are promised to one another. 

The universe keeps Kwon Soonyoung in its thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u liked it! let me know ur feelings towards this bcos... Boy did i spend too much time on it  
> now i'm back to working on my other drafts... rip


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